Sitting on the Bank
What follows a sleepless
night? Crazy ideas, that’s what! I can’t sleep because of the usual drag race
of endless thoughts flooding my brain. I
keep waking up with the exact same idea on my heart of doing a writing exercise. This idea is a combination of an article I
read a few weeks ago, a podcast I
listened to a few months ago, and to a book I had a bazillion years ago. I was praying for help to guide me out of
this place of being stuck on this journey.
I’ve been hanging out on this plateau for several weeks and I don’t know
what to do. I think that many of us need
help in some areas of our lives. Where
are you stuck? What is in need of
healing?
God promised if I do the work, He'll take care of the results. I was feeling perhaps I lost my way since the weight loss results weren't showing. I realize now that the "work" isn't always about busting it at the gym and sticking to a healthy eating plan. God brought me to this place to do some real work. He had a different workout in store for me this week and this was the toughest workout yet.
God promised if I do the work, He'll take care of the results. I was feeling perhaps I lost my way since the weight loss results weren't showing. I realize now that the "work" isn't always about busting it at the gym and sticking to a healthy eating plan. God brought me to this place to do some real work. He had a different workout in store for me this week and this was the toughest workout yet.
Ultimately, this idea
comes from God, placed on my sleepless tired heart during this sleepless
night. I thought it was a bit crazy, and
out there, but when have I let that stop me before? So, I did it.
It’s changed me. I know it was
from God and I will never be the same. I
will describe the exercise for you and what you need to do. Then, because we’re all about keeping it
real, I will share with you the exact words I wrote while doing this
exercise. I wasn't planning on sharing this when I did the exercise but the impact is just too powerful not to. I encourage you to try
this. Grab a pen and pad and let's begin. Don't forget the tissues.
You need to find a quiet
private place where you are alone. I
encourage you to use a pad and pen. There is something special and personal that
comes from writing the words out on paper by hand, in your own handwriting. I lit a candle to signify this was something
special and sacred about to take place.
I said a prayer to God to help guide me through this. I prayed that what I needed to learn would be
revealed. I prayed for God to give me
the courage and the strength to do this exercise with an open heart so He could
flow through it. This turns out to be an
emotional journey so push through the exercise and allow yourself to feel
whatever you feel. I promise if you
stick with it, it’s worth it when you get to the other side. It’s worth it when you write your way into
the light.
Close your eyes. Think about the area in your life where you
feel stuck. Ask this question. What are you feeling? Write whatever comes to
your mind. There’s no editing for no one is
going to read your words, unless you want them to. Just write
anything that comes to mind. Allow your hand to
write everything.
Why do you feel this way? Continue to ask why three
times. There is something significant
about three why questions. Perhaps
it signifies the trinity. It signifies
that you are embarking on a spiritual revelation. It’s important to ask why
three times.
Now go back… when was the first time in
your life you remember feeling this way? Describe yourself, what do you see, where are
you and what are you doing?
What was the story you
told yourself back then?
Now, go back in your
mind’s eye and see yourself back then, in that moment, doing what you were
doing. Imagine seeing Jesus. He is sitting with you. Allow yourself to feel the deepest part of
the pain you feel but imagine you are not alone. Jesus is love. He is with you.
Jesus may have something
to say to you. Write whatever comes to
your mind during this. Ask
questions. Write what He is saying to
you. Just write. You will be amazed at what comes out of your
hand. I believe it is some sort of
divine channeling, with angels helping to guide your hands, so you can hear what
you need to hear. I believe this is an
exercise that allows the voice of the teacher to come to you.
I did this exercise and
the conversation and vision that came with this was so extremely powerful. I’m
not sure if I’ll be able to articulate the power of the moment. After doing this writing I had to put down my
pen, gather my tissues, and take Oliver for a walk to allow it all to sink
in. I didn’t even go back to read
everything I wrote until the next day because it was so beautiful, profound,
and mind blowing. The mind blowing part
came again the next day because there is a lot of stuff I didn’t even remember
writing.
Here is exactly what I
wrote during my exercise. I didn’t
change a word. I want this to be authentic and share my experience as it truly
happened. You can see where some things come from me but some things are as if
Jesus is talking to me. Was it my imagination? Was it just my own thoughts? I may never know but I do know that I feel different. I do know that something bigger than me was involved in this. I'll let the words speak for themselves.
My Writing Exercise
What are you feeling?Scared. Like I will never be free from this food addiction and stressing over this. I feel like I’m back to being, and will always feel, one meal away from going back. I hate the pressure of that. I feel like I’ve been struggling with always wanting more and never feeling satisfied.Why?I think about it all the time.Why?I feel like something is missing.Why?I feel like I’m still missing something.Go back… when in your youth did you feel this way?I’m a teenager. I’m young, probably 12 or 13. I used to jog around the quarry and would go off by myself a lot to think.What was the story you told yourself back then?That I wasn’t enough.Now go back to sitting on the bank by the edge of the pond. Imagine Jesus is sitting next to you. It’s just the two of you. No one else is around. You are all alone with Him. See yourself, feel the deepest part of the pain when you felt it then. Go there. Sit with that pain as a young girl, feeling you are not enough.Why do you feel this way? Where did this feeling come from?I know it’s not true but it’s how I feel.Why?Jesus puts his arm around me and lets me cry. He feels my pain and doesn’t try to make me feel wrong for feeling this way. He is love and I feel it.You are loved. You are loved.Do you believe in me?Yes.Do you believe God is my Father?Yes.Do you believe I came here a long time ago and died so you can have a relationship with God?Yes.Do you believe God loves you?Yes.Do you believe I love you?Yes.Do you believe that when you leave this place you will spend eternity in heaven?Yes.Do you believe you came from God?Yes.I know all these things but I still feel the way I do. I feel like I’m not getting it right.Sandy, the story you tell yourself ever since you were young is a lie. It’s a lie. It’s a lie. You have been through all of this for a reason. You are who you are from your experiences. You think you’ll never be free from this and that’s a lie. You think you are a fraud. That’s a lie. You even think you are making this up as you write, that’s a lie.I am the way. I am the truth. I died for you. For you… I want a close relationship with you so you always remember us sitting here on the bank together. I have always been sitting on the bank with you. I was with you every time you doubted yourself. Every time you questioned yourself. Every time you cried.This is part of the journey. This was supposed to happen just this way. You have to go into the deep darkest places within your soul to shine the light, My light, into every corner where lies still linger. If you don’t, they’ll have a way of floating to the surface and you will begin to believe the old lies again.This has nothing to do with what you eat. This has nothing to do with the number on a scale. This has everything to do with shining a light on the truth and healing the deepest parts of you. This has everything to do with exposing the lies of beliefs you still hold onto in the deepest parts of you. It’s time to let them go. They no longer serve you. They have no place here.Now, Sandy, I want you to close your eyes. See a white healing light come down from the sky. It will flow through me and I will send it through you. We will sit here together as this healing energy surrounds us both.You see, this is possible because of what my Father did for you through me. Don’t you see? Don’t you see?I saw a light come down upon me as I sit at this desk, candles lit, and a peace flows through my chest. My jaw loosens and I cry…Yes I do see – Yes I do see.No matter what happens you are enough. You always have been. You always will be. When things go smoothly you start to think you can do it on your own. When things are “fine” you forget to include me. You never walk alone. You never have. You never will. Keep your eyes focused. Not on the goal, but on Me. Everything else will fall into place and work out just the way it’s supposed to.
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