Enough Already!

My younger sister and I shared a bedroom when we were teens and developed our own game called, “Honesty Hour.” You could ask the other sister any question you wanted; nothing was off limits. The rule was to be brutally honest in your answer. The game could get quite spirited when played by two prepubescent teenage girls, usually ending in laughter, fighting, or tears. I don’t know what our young minds were thinking, but for some reason I was reminded of this odd little sister ritual this past week when I concluded I needed to have a good old fashioned “Honesty Hour” session with myself. 

Truth be told, I find myself lately still caught in that needing to be perfect dilemma and somehow falling short. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this process of blogging for 14 months, is there’s always someone out there going through what I’m going through. In the spirit of “keeping it real,” I’m about to throw down some Honesty Hour truths for myself.…

So here we go – 

The Honesty Hour truth is I’m losing my mind. I’m 52 and every month, around “that time of the month,” I feel like I’m losing it. The scale goes up, my reasoning ability goes down, and I’m flailing around somewhere in the middle. This Monday the scale was way up and my mood went way down. Why does it still impact me so much? Days like this I honestly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing and I don’t have any answers at all. We’re lucky my shoes match. I can’t believe I actually wrote a book. What if, one of these months, this feeling doesn’t leave after that time of the month passes? 

The Honesty Hour truth is that each month, when this emotional cycle rolls around, I often struggle with many of those old bad feelings. I wrote an entire book about finding your self-esteem and being a child of God. The truth is, each month, I find myself in this struggle of feeling like I often somehow fall just a little bit short. I wrote pages and pages about God’s unconditional love for us and here I sit, feeling like I could do more, and I could be better. I know it’s the hormones but the feelings are real. 

If I’m being completely honest, I almost didn’t post this blog because I feared what others would think hearing that deep down I sometimes still have these inner thoughts. Is this anxiety part of menopause or that time of the month? Will it leave in approximately 3 to 5 days? What if it doesn’t? Do I sound crazy? Do crazy people know they’re crazy? Should I be worried that this is not the first time I’ve asked this question?

I don’t know what the answer is. I don’t have the faintest idea, and that’s the truth! But this week I need to seek for something because that’s what we do when we get real. God always comes through for me, so in this Honesty Hour moment of truth I have no choice to but begin where I always begin, in prayer. 

Heavenly Father – 

I know you hear me and I know you know the struggles on my heart this week. Please help me find the answers I seek, the comfort I need, and the direction I need to go.  Please help me help others who may be struggling in these same areas. I feel on the edge and I need You. If this is from hormones, help me find how to handle that.  Show me what I need to know this week. How do I find the peace that I know only you can bring? 

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

It’s still the same – I pray and wait. I process what's placed on my heart and pray some more. This week I start by reading these verses every single morning and every evening. The first step is to clothe myself in God’s truth, so I start here. I put these verses into a note on my phone and set a reminder to read these twice a day. 

1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

2 Corinthians 12:9 – My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Philippians 4:13 – I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. 

Psalm 46:5 – God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Proverbs 31:25 – She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

Billy Cox said, “Self-honesty is the greatest honesty because it leads to all significant change.” This week’s thoughts and feelings provided evidence that my trip to crazy town was, in fact, due to that time of the month. Honestly acknowledging my feelings is a step in the right direction because you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge. I can’t fix what’s happening internally with my hormones, but I can work on ways to help me not jump on the crazy bus when it rolls into town approximately every 28 days.

This week I feel God guided me to read and listen to information from a woman I’d never heard of before, Marisa Peer. Marisa is a famous therapist and author from the UK. She explains that your mind believes what you tell it. Marisa's research and her work with clients revealed excessive drinking, compulsive shopping, gambling, and over eating stem from trying to fill an inner emptiness of not feeling enough. When she mentioned her techniques helped women going through menopause, my ears perked up!

Marisa explained if you tell yourself something enough times, the mind will believe it to be true. Repetition is the key. I’ve never been a huge fan of positive affirmations because they make me think of Stuart Smalley, but this made a lot of sense to me after listening to Marisa explain it. She encourages her clients to focus on the phrase, “I am enough” over and over. She claims repetition of this simple phrase eventually makes it difficult for your mind to object the thought. She suggests you write it on your mirror, or hang reminders everywhere, until it becomes a habit. She wants you to say it to yourself several times a day out loud and in your head. She admits it sounds too simple and easy, but all you need is the commitment to do it, and the belief it will work.

I’m not one to hang post-it notes all over but, in keeping with my cell phone idea for the Bible verses, I set cell phone reminders. I set a daily reminder for 8AM and 8PM that says simply: “I am enough.” I’m not going to pursue synthetic hormones or drugs to help with whatever is happening psychologically each month, so I’m giving this a go. I also started to repeat to myself, “I have excellent coping skills.” I realized that I’ve been telling myself I don’t know how to handle the monthly mood swings and I don’t have control over my emotions each month. I want to use her methods to make my mind believe that I do have excellent coping skills and can be unaffected by the monthly hormonal fluctuations. There’s no longer a seat for me on the crazy bus!

Now that it’s the end of the week I feel like myself again. I’m still food sober but there were a few close calls earlier this week. I know the scale will get back in check. The crazy feelings left and calmness remains. I’m now using my newly discovered techniques to prepare for next month. I have faith that this will work. I truly feel God gave me something tangible I can do that will have an impact and help. Thank you, God!

Time for a new end of the week Honesty Hour smack down – my new truth is:
I have excellent coping skills.
I am imperfect and I am enough.

Results for the week: +2.0 lbs lost; Total Lost: 40.0 

D.O.W. = 454; Starting weight: 182.0; Current weight: 142.0 

(Days on the Wagon = Days of food sobriety - no sugar pig-outs!)