Kick off those shoes!
I was in the fifth grade when I kicked Rex on
the playground because he was making fun of Julie, who could only wear dresses
due to her religious beliefs. He was
mean; I was mad. The anger fueled
adrenaline caused me to kick him in the cahoonas, the crouch, where it counts,
and I kicked him as hard as my little fifth grade leg could kick. Rex fell to the ground crying proclaiming he
was about to die. He rolled around in
such anguish and pain that I feared perhaps maybe he was right! Immediately I ran to fetch the teacher and
confess my crime of assault before it turned into a potential homicide
investigation. I felt absolutely horrible! The teacher wasn’t upset with me at all, actually
laughing a little when I made a full and complete confession of my
actions. Apparently Rex was supposed to be in
detention and was summoned back inside because he never did his homework. Perhaps since I never got into trouble over
my bully beat down, I carried extreme guilt around with me for days.
Growing up Catholic meant that as a kid we
did everything by the book and the sacrament of penance was part of it. There were times when I didn’t have much to
say in there. I basically was a good kid
so sometimes the best I could come up with was fighting with my sisters or
maybe saying a bad word a few times when Mom wasn’t around. This time I had a doozy. We arrived early
before mass so we would go to confession prior to the service. “Bless me Father
for I have sinned.” I proceeded to make
a full and detailed account of my horrific act of violence. My penance was one “Our Father” and two “Hail
Mary” prayers. I was absolved. The problem was that this time the magic of
going to confession didn’t work. I still
felt guilty, really guilty.
Through the entire church service I continued
to feel horrible. Then it happened, the
choir sang, “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace.”
This is a song from the Prayer of Saint Francis. I felt tingles in my head that went all the
way through my body and suddenly I felt true relief from the clutches of guilt
that was so heavy on my ten year old heart.
This one little song changed everything in a single moment. Maybe this was the first time I physically
felt the presence of God. I couldn’t stop the tears and to this day, every time
I hear this song, I have to fight back tears. I can still feel the powerful love I felt
that day in church over 40 years ago.
“Lord, make me an
instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
I
glance at a statue of Saint Francis on a shelf next to me as I write this. I hold the words to his prayer and to that
special song close to my heart. Over the
years I realize that these words hold the key to happiness and joy. You will not find joy by searching for
it. Saint Francis already knew that if
you try to bring happiness to someone else then joy will come to you. His words hold the truth that in order to
give something away, we must possess it ourselves. You
can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t give love if you don’t love
yourself. You can’t forgive others if
you don't forgive yourself. You also can’t
receive forgiveness if you don’t forgive yourself. Saint Francis taught us this.
Sometimes
ghosts of the past appear and trigger memories that linger. I sometimes still struggle with forgiving
myself over stuff from a long time ago. True forgiveness comes with
letting go of the past. If we want true
freedom to truly go for our dreams, achieve that goal or to lose that weight,
shedding the negative past is the way to shed the pounds! This week I sought answers to the question why
do we hold on to the past? How do we
forgive ourselves to truly break free? How
do we let go?
We may
get stuck in the past because of our need for certainty. Letting go is stepping into the unknown and
out of the all too familiar comfort zone.
Vulnerability resides outside of the zone of certainty and comfort. If there is a high level of emotion tied to a
memory it’s extremely difficult to let it go. That’s why we all remember
exactly where we were when 9/11 happened.
This is why things that you highly regret, or something that caused you
great emotional pain, will continue to nip at your heels. We relive long ago pains and regrets replaying the internal tapes of what went wrong or what should have been. We can’t change the past but we can change
where we direct our power. The death
grip we hold to past regrets only zaps our power and prevents us from
experiencing peace today.
The memories
are not the problem unless we give them power from our emotional
reactions. “I deserve an apology
so I can get over this.” “I was an idiot
for doing that.” “I’ve wasted so much time
in my life because of this.” If we want
to free the past we have to let go of these thoughts. The way to do this is to change our
relationship with these lingering broken records when flashbacks occur. We can’t forget or change what happened. That apology you’re waiting for may never
come. We also can’t wallow in painful
emotions forever. The pathway to healing
will open up once we become willing to see beyond the feelings of sadness,
regret or revenge and prepare ourselves to feel differently. We may hold limiting beliefs about events that justifies this pain but we are
only hurting ourselves with this. Part
of the heart is closed when we're stuck. Our happiness is our responsibility alone. There is freedom in taking the power away
from the past and change the story we tell ourselves.
Unlocking
the door to true freedom requires that we untangle our thoughts about these
events. Fears from things that happened can hold us back and impact our lives now. Past experiences could cause us to have
difficulty trusting others, isolate ourselves or push people away. These experiences often create fears we have
now. Perhaps we’re haunted by a fear of
being alone or trusting others. Maybe the fear is not being able to lose weight or gaining it all
back. We may hold a fear of failure and
even a fear of success. One thing I know
for sure is dwelling on the past, and on negative feelings that feed these fears,
never works. Clearly I’ve learned that stuffing
feelings down is a disaster.
Defining
yourself by your past sells yourself short and there’s no chance of living up
to your full potential. It’s like
wearing a pair of shoes that are too tight.
It hurts! It’s truly painful and
you can’t move. You can’t step forward
into your destiny unless you kick them off! It’s time we
live in total awareness of who we really are.
We are children of God. I pray
that I’m able to see myself through God’s eyes and realize what that truly
means.
Philippians
3:12-14 (NIV) Not that I have already
obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take
hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider
myself yet to have taken hold of it. But
one thing I do: Forgetting what is
behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win
the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
This
was written by the Apostle Paul and he’s giving us great advice. He forgets what lies behind and presses
forward to what lies ahead. We can learn
from Paul. Let go of past mistakes. Free your mind of the past failures. Focus on the future! Paul had quite the past, too. Here’s a guy with a closet full of skeletons who killed Christians and mocked God but went
on to write a huge chunk of the New Testament.
If anyone had to let go of the past, it certainly was this guy! He wrote Philippians twenty five years after
he started to follow Christ. Paul is
telling us to let go of the past and to push forward to our goals. Paul had to put his past behind him in order
to accomplish all that he did. I’m sure
it wasn’t easy.
Bryant McGill said, "You have to make the decision to let go of the past if you want to move forward. Reliving your painful past will poison your heart and your tomorrow. If you look at today through the eyes of the past, you can never see what the present moment has to offer." It’s time to let go of the past so God can
open the door to your future. Let go
with faith of what is yet to come. Keep
the lessons it taught you but it’s time to begin anew. It’s time to kick off those tight shoes and take that first step to freedom! C.S. Lewis said, “Getting over a painful
experience is much like crossing monkey bars.
You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”
Here is a link to the special song that takes me back to love and peace from 40 years ago.
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