Do You Self - Sabotage?

Recently a reader reached out to me for advice on how she could stop sabotaging her own weight loss efforts and figure out why she does this.  She shared that although she’s already lost a great deal of weight, she seems to sabotage her efforts to get below where she’s currently at.  The timing of her request was divinely inspired because I’d been working on this topic for a while.  I sent her this information to see if anything rang true for her or if it could help.   I wanted to see if I was on the right track with this.  She soon revealed that she never thought of herself as someone with confidence or self-esteem issues, but she could see bits and pieces of herself in all of the causes for self-sabotaging. 

WHAT IS IT:

Self-Sabotage is sneaky and difficult to pin down.  It’s confusing.  Self-sabotage is when you know what you need to do but you don’t do it, or doing something you know you shouldn’t do but do it anyway.  Psychology Today defines it this way.  “Behavior is said to be sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals.” 

WHAT CAUSES IT:

We need to look at what causes the behavior in the first place to find the “why” we do what we do.  It’s different for everyone.  Here are some major causes.  What rings true for you?  Many of the root causes to self-sabotaging hides deep in our subconscious, and it may not be clear as to why we do what we do.  One thing that’s consistent is it can get messy!  You have to dig deep and get real! 

Self - Esteem:

People with low self-esteem are more likely to sabotage themselves when something good happens to them because they don’t feel deserving.  You may not feel worthy.  When you feel undeserving of success or happiness, it feels bad to fail and even worse to succeed.  Subconsciously you sabotage making further progress and you may even revert to old ways. 

Confidence:

You may lack the confidence and don’t believe in your ability to lose weight, get to your goal, or in your ability to keep it off.   This is due to limiting beliefs you hold about yourself.  What’s the story your inner critic tells you?  “I’ve always been chubby.”  “I can never keep the weight off.”  “Losing weight is always hard for me.”  Your mind believes what you tell it.  You need to believe in yourself and change that inner dialogue.

Forgiveness:

Lack of forgiveness can cause self-sabotaging behavior.  When you start to dig deep into finding the why you are sabotaging, you may discover you need to forgive someone who harmed you in the past.  You may also need to forgive yourself, which is the most important of all.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forgive the person directly, or even speak to them, but do it in your heart and you are set free.  

Control:

Often the feeling of control is behind the sabotage.  You may subconsciously hold on to the fact that you can control your own failure.  Success brings the unknown and you have no control over that. 

Familiarity:

Subconsciously you are at home in your comfort zone and you may be used to being viewed at a particular weight.  Losing weight may change how people see you or treat you.  Subconsciously you may be uncomfortable with the added attention.

Perfectionism:

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water – it’s progress not perfection.  If you veer off your plan, even slightly, you have the attitude of completely binge eating.  Don’t view a setback as you “ruined the whole thing, might as well completely blow it.”  This was one of my biggest problems I struggled with before and one of the reasons why I would start a new diet every two days.

Fear:

You have to face your fears to truly lose the weight and keep it off!  There’s the fear of being successful.  You may have a fear of outshining a family member or friend.  This is related to a fear of really showing up in life instead of hiding behind the added weight.  Fear of failing comes from the potential embarrassment of trying to lose weight and not succeeding.  It can all feel overwhelming.  There’s also the fear of doing it perfectly.  You’ll never do it perfectly! None of us will ever do it perfectly!  Life doesn’t work that way.  Identify your fears and see them for what they are.

Peer Pressure:

We’re often afraid to feel we’ll surpass the people we’re closest to in our lives.  People in our lives may try to sabotage us.  The people in your life may not have the same health goals as you and are not interested in eating healthy.  These are the people who will give you a hard time.  “Just have one donut!  Just one drink!  It’s only one slice!”  The disease to please is self-sabotaging.  You’re not here to answer, “Yes.”  You are here to serve your soul, and sometimes that means saying, “No.”

They may not intentionally think they feel this way but they are actually threatened by your progress.  They may also feel threatened by their own lack of progress, and may be subconsciously trying to sabotage your efforts.  When we see others succeeding in any area, we start to question ourselves and may freak out either consciously, or subconsciously.  If you’re out with family or friends and they’re pressuring you to eat or drink garbage, nicely ask them to stop pressuring you.  Tell them your goal is to lose weight and make healthy changes in your life.  True friends will respect your request.  I've been blessed with super supportive family and friends, but they need to know what you want in life so they know how to support you.

WHAT TO DO:

Sabotaging yourself keeps you safe and in control, at the expense of making any real progress in your life.  Stopping this pattern of behavior requires reflection, honesty, and a little courage. The key is to face these fears and end the cycle!  Remember you are NOT alone!  Don’t beat yourself up.  The latest statistics indicate 69.5% of American women are overweight and only 2% who lose weight keep it off permanently.  That statistic ranges from 2 – 5%, but no matter what, it’s way too low!  It’s the minority of women and men who commit to do the work between the ears who succeed.  What works is the commitment to dig deep and get real!

If you read my blog, or have read my book, you’ll know I’m a huge proponent of writing exercises.  I find this to be the best way to dive into self-discovery, and to figure out what my inner most thoughts truly are.  Write it out.  Here are some thoughts and ideas to ponder and journal about.  You’ll be surprised what you can learn about yourself. 

Commit to writing 4 pages nonstop and I am certain you’ll find out things about yourself you didn’t realize.  Write whatever comes to mind when you are working on finding out the “why” you self-sabotage.  Here are some ideas to get the juices flowing.

Identify the ways you feel you sabotage yourself.  It may be procrastination, avoidance, over-eating, or lack of sleep.  Name your fear – what are your fears about weight loss?  They’re usually irrational but put them down on paper anyway, even if it seems stupid or silly.  Ending self-sabotage starts with self-awareness and accepting responsibility.  Identify the triggers. Unhealed wounds of the past can lead to emotional eating.  Finding the trigger points that cause you to fall off the wagon are clues to help figure this out.  Observe yourself.  What are you doing when you sabotage, how are you doing so, when does it occur, and what’s happening around you?  What happened right before?  What was said?  What were you thinking?

In Conclusion:

The brave and courageous reader who reached out to me for help experienced a profound revelation about what was at the root of her struggle.  She shared that before she had her beautiful young daughter, she experienced several miscarriages.  She actually had ten miscarriages.  I can’t even begin to imagine the heartache and pain from such an experience.  Each pregnancy brought on extra weight and she realized that she is sabotaging her efforts when her body approaches her pre-pregnancy weight.  She realized that losing all of the weight was like losing her babies all over again.  She's been subconsciously holding on to the extra weight as a way of holding on to her precious children.  I know one day she will see all of them again in heaven.  I also truly believe they would want her to fully live the life she is worthy of living until that time comes.  

Weight loss is simple – eat less and move more, but the real battle with permanent weight loss is in the mind.  I believe we know what to eat and what not to eat.  We all know fatty fried foods are bad, sugar crap is addictive, and processed foods aren’t good for us.  We do need to wake up and realize that continually turning to quick, easy fixes is not the solution. Be prepared each day to confront your own self-sabotage!  Do the work.  Find your why.  Why are you holding on to the extra weight?  You are worthy! You can do this!  You will do this!  WE will do THIS!

Results for the week: -1.0 lbs lost; Total Lost: 42.0

D.O.W. = 469; Starting weight: 182.0; Current weight: 140.0

(Days on the Wagon = Days of food sobriety - no sugar pig-outs!)