Rear View Mirror
Backing
out of the garage earlier this week I glanced in my rear view mirror and realized
that our tree was full of bright pink blossoms!
It was still dark out, but I could clearly see the blossoms from our
front porch lights and my break lights. It
actually caught me off guard, for I didn’t even notice the flowers the day
before, and they looked so pretty. This exact
same tree, one year ago, was covered in some sort of tree mite and appeared
black, no blossoms at all, and I feared the worse. A few minutes later, of this same morning, I
was driving across the swamplands on my way to work, and glanced in my rear view mirror. This time I saw the brightest
orange sky and was in awe of the beauty.
It was at this precise time I saw the red orange glow of the sun just
peaking over the horizon. The beauty of
the reflection off of the clouds, and the sun just cresting above the skyline, literally
took my breath away. It was at this moment
I thought how this week is the one year mark of beginning this journey. The divine sign was not lost on me! Sometimes you have to look back to realize
how far you’ve come. A year ago I felt
like that tree out front, covered in negative tree mites, and not doing so
well. One year later I have blossomed
and feel like the bright orange sun, renewed in faith, greeting a fresh new
day.
Shortly
before we moved here I remember walking around our old neighborhood north of
Seattle. There would often be a group of
little girls playing together on the other side of our block. You could be certain to walk by the giggling
bundles of joy jumping rope, playing hop-scotch, or creating a sidewalk chalk
masterpiece. I would often walk by and
feel a twinge of sadness. I would smile
and they would wave at me. My thoughts
would be the same. How can I bring more
joy into my life? That would then be
followed by feelings of guilt for feeling this way. I lived in a beautiful home overlooking Mount
Baker, I had an amazing man who loved me more than anything, and yet I couldn’t
figure out why I wasn’t happy. All the
while my weight continued to creep up.
This
week I walked my neighborhood here in South Carolina. There is often a group of little girls
playing on the other side of this block as well. Little girls are the same everywhere, and
this group is no different. They were
all giggles, radiating pure joy, as they sprayed water from the hose, taking turns
running through the cool spray. I smiled
at them, and it was a real smile. Suddenly
I had a flashback of the walk in the old neighborhood. I could feel a tear swell from my
throat. It wasn’t from sadness, but from
gratitude, knowing what God has brought me through. I have genuine joy in my life now that I
never could have imagined before. I
watched these little girls and realized that I’m not yearning to have joy in my
life but that I share in their joy in this moment.
Last
year I couldn’t possibly picture my life the way it is now. The change was so very slow, with each
passing day, but I clearly see now that everything is different. A little progress each day adds up to big
results. I feel like a whole new person,
and I’m not talking about my pants size.
I wondered if other people notice the inner change. I figured the best person to ask is the one
who knows me best, Dan. I was both
surprised and very touched by his response.
He said that a year ago he was honestly worried about me. He could see I was suffering, having a lot of
depression, and he knew it wasn’t all due to the passing of my Dad. He knew it was something more. He knew I was struggling but he didn’t know
what to do to help. He said he knew I
was upset about my weight but admitted he also knew he dare not speak of
it. (This proves he’s a smart man.) He said he loves me at any weight, but knew I
was unhappy. It bothered him that he
didn’t know how to help. Dan went on to
share that he truly felt I was onto something when I put the connection
together of food and addiction. He could
really see things change after that.
Each week God inspired me with a topic to dive into and often
it would drudge up things from my past.
Lost moments in time I would rather choose to forget, yet discussing
them helped me move past it in some way that felt good. Iyanla Vanzant said, “Until you heal the
wounds of your past, you are going to bleed.
You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with
work, but eventually it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the
wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding
you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”
I still
believe, in the deepest part of my soul, that for many of us food issues are
not about food. The same way money
problems are not about money. When I
turned the focus of my journey onto healing the addiction to food, I feel
that’s when the real internal changes began.
Working the 12 steps in my own way, helped me progress, and I could feel
the shift within. I think that it’s only
appropriate to look at the 12th step, on the 12th month
of this journey. The one year mark of
starting this journey I pray and focus on step 12.
Having had a
spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this
message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
There’s a quote from the Book of Prosperity that says,
“Someday we will find what we are looking for.
Or maybe we won’t. Maybe we will
find something much greater than that.” God
gave me a message a year ago and I never would have guessed I would be here,
writing this, one year later. Father Chuck Owens
said, “The difference between a dream and a reality is discipline.” I’ve worked so hard this past year staying
focused, staying disciplined, and pushed through no matter what. I’ll continue to do so for this is what I’m
called to do. My life’s passion is this.
I never would have dreamed the blog would take off the way it has. I never imagined the opportunity to share
God’s love and God’s message to people all around the world. I know in my heart of hearts that it’s my
destiny to carry out step 12 of my journey for as long as I’m alive.
If you
are struggling, if you feel that twinge of yearning for joy, and if you feel
lost and alone, I know how you feel. If
you know life has so much more for you then you are experiencing, but you don’t
know how to get there from here, I know how you feel. If you feel regret, shame, and like you are
hiding from your own life, I know how you feel.
If you feel life is passing you by, and you are merely going through the
motions, I know how you feel. The
beautiful thing is that it is possible for God to heal. It is possible for God to show you the
way. It is possible to heal the soul and
lose the weight. It is not too late; it
is never too late. The most important
message God showed me this past year is also true for you. God wants you to know you are worthy. You deserve joy. You are his child. You are loved. You are never alone.
The
Lord says, “Forget what happened before, and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don’t you see it?” Isaiah 43:18-19.
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