Lights - Camera

March 24, 2018

Lights - Camera - Action!

You would not believe how much I was flat out lied to this week. The evil inner negative voice was trying to fill my head with lies. “You’re never going to hit your goal. Do you really think you’re going to keep this weight off? What makes you think you have anything left meaningful to say for this? Who do you think you are that people will want to read what you have to say?” The beautiful thing about where I am on this journey is that I’m able to recognize this for what it is; not from God. I told the negative committee that was meeting inside my head to sit down and shut up!

This journey of getting real, with brutal honesty through self-reflection, teaches me to recognize when I’m allowing perfectionism and people pleasing struggles to take over the show. "What will people think if I write this?" "I can’t possibly share that!" The reason for starting this entire journey was to shine a light in all of the dark places in order to find a way out and to receive healing. I know that’s what’s happening; I can feel it in my heart and I can see it in my thighs.

Our brains are designed to keep us from doing things that make us uncomfortable. Those of us cursed with the perfectionism and the people pleasing gene know that being vulnerable is outside of the beloved comfort zone. This definitely opens us up to the unwelcome internal negative committee meetings. Brian Tracy said, “We believe that 95% of your emotions are determined by the way you talk to yourself as you go throughout your day. The sad fact is that if you do not deliberately and consciously talk to yourself in a positive and constructive way, you will, by default, think about things that will make you unhappy or cause you worry and anxiety. Your mind is like a garden. If you do not deliberately plant flowers and tend carefully, weeds will grow without any encouragement at all.”

How often do we hold ourselves back out of fear? How often do we refrain from doing something until we know it’s perfect as to avoid any negative feedback or criticism from others? I’m learning to be okay with feeling uncomfortable. I’m also learning to plant more flowers! Elizabeth Gilbert said, “You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control."

The truth is we're bound to disappoint people we love. Not everyone is going to agree with what you say. Avoiding disagreement and confrontation is not a way to live an authentic honest life. That's just the truth. Another truth is that the people who love you, will still love you, even if you disappoint them. We are all entitled to our own opinions. Most importantly, your opinion counts and has value. That's the truth.

This week I tried a new mental exercise I heard on a podcast. I pretend I’m the writer, producer and director of a movie and it’s the movie of my life. I choose to make it a Hallmark movie, full of happiness, love and goodness. (Not the “push your husband down the stairs and set the house on fire” kind of Lifetime movie.) I’m the star in this movie so I get to write the story line and plot as it progresses. I get to choose how I react to circumstances and how I feel about what happens. Silly? Perhaps… Does it seem stupid? Absolutely… Did it actually help me to look at things differently? Surprisingly YES!

“Life’s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.”

~ Jim Henson

If I share all of the things that actually goes through my mind you will think I’m crazy, or at least well on the way. Towards the end of the week, of pretending to star in my own movie, I’m sitting at a traffic light on my way to work. Right at that moment an old bee-bop tune comes on the radio. Leo Sayer is singing, “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” and I start to imagine I’m in the opening preview scene of my movie we’re about to see for the day. Clearly, it’s the Hallmark positive fun loving romantic comedy movie, with a strong female character lead. They all start with light bee-bop positive music, as the title and staring lines appear on the screen, setting the tone for the movie. I literally in my mind hear the deep baritone movie phone announcer guy’s voice start to speak. He sounds just like James Earl Jones.

"This is Sandy and her story. A coming of age tail, middle age that is. A woman who starts a blog to loose weight, and through her faith in God, she finds herself in the process. (Hopefully she won’t sneeze through the whole movie.) She’s madly in love with her husband, so the girl already has the boy, and she’s crazy about her little dog. Watch as she slays the day in the corporate world, although she regrets her shoe choice today because her feet are cold. She faces the day looking sporty and fabulous in her Michael Kors nautical sweater she bought on clearance. Sandy is determined to keep pushing towards a healthy life, her goal weight and to inspire others in the process. Watch as she follows her dream and goes after what she really wants, no matter what. And she really needs to find some new allergy medicine for clearly she can't stop sneezing."

Our dreams create the plot of the movie. We are the screenplay writers so we already know how the story will end. When you are the star, you are also the hero, who overcomes all obstacles and problems that get in your way. If I did this exercise a year ago, prior to this journey, the main character would be a lot different. She was sad. She was fat. She was lost. I realize that the person I’m becoming is a lot more confident and consistently happier. The direction my character takes in the movie today is a lot different from a year ago. I’m not afraid to take risks or to step out of that beloved comfort zone. Well, if I'm really honest, I am still afraid to take risks and I have to push myself to get out of the comfort zone. The difference this time is I'm doing it anyway and pushing through the fear. The old me would give in to the feelings or deny the feelings. I would opt out of opportunity and stuff my disappointment in myself down with sugar.

Jack Canfield said, “You only have control over three things in your life- the thoughts you think, the images you visualize, and the action you take.” Working through the exercise, of pretending to star in my own life’s movie, I realize that I look upon the main character with a new perspective. I look upon her objectively, with compassion and love. I’m rooting for her to make it. Kevin Ngo really summed up this experience for me when he said, “You’re the main character of your life’s story. Give your audience not only something to look forward to, but something to be inspired by.”

One of my favorite Christmas movies is “The Holiday,” with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. There is a great scene when the old famous movie director, Arthur Abbott, is having dinner with the love stricken Iris. He says, “Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.” What does it mean to be the leading lady of your life’s movie? You start by having some gumption! Arthur explains to Iris that leading ladies have gumption. Gumption means you have courage, guts and spunk. When you have gumption you speak up for yourself when things don’t go how you want them to go. You tell someone when they’re hurting you. You fight for what you believe in and deserve.

Perhaps over the years I lost a bit of my gumption from when I was younger. Perhaps that’s why I lost my way and gained weight. I allowed life to chip away at my courage. I allowed life to make me question my guts. I allowed life to slowly steal my spunk. Losing gumption caused me to lose my sense of value and my esteem. This resulted in using food to cope as I tried to hide from life in baggy clothes. Leading ladies need gumption to be fully in the game, fully present and to be fully you! Gumption takes strength and courage, it’s not easy.

God gives us strength and courage. Psalm 56 3-4 says, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" After Moses dies, God tells Joshua that he is going to lead his people. Joshua 1:9 says, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." This Bible verse is, for me, direction on finding your leading lady gumption. Gumption is just another form of grace.

I think that it’s not really that I’ve become a whole new person. At the end of the day, perhaps the journey isn’t so much about becoming a new you. I’m still the same person. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that really isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. When you peel away the layers of protection, which for me was literally layers of pounds, you get the authentic real you that was there all along. You find your lost gumption, and at the same time, you find the real you.

P.S. If you’re around when the movie of my life comes to an end, stick around for when the the ending credits scroll. You won't want to miss the bloopers and outtakes!