Who are you being mean to?

Three months and over 32,000 views into this blogging experience it finally happened.  I received my first negative comment.  It didn’t really bother me, well maybe a little.  I was wondering how long it would take.  Right away I thought about my little nephew, Logan.  He’s now a grown married man but when he was just 5 years old he was scared of having to ride the school bus for fear of being bullied.  Unfortunately there turned out to be a bully on his bus.  That night, as my sister tucked him into bed, he said he wanted to pray for the bully.  He said that something really bad must be going on in the bully’s life to make him that way.  Following this incredible example, I prayed for the person who left the negative comment.    

When the blog began to spread outside of my supportive family and friends I knew I was vulnerable to criticism.  If it’s true that vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence then hiding behind walls breeds insecurity.  This certainly was true with my weight issue.  It’s also true that the best way to gain self-confidence is to do the thing you are afraid to do.  Coming clean about my weight struggles was the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever done but the payoff is that I now feel so much more confident.  The change was right away.  I’m not even close to my goal weight, which I’ve come to realize has nothing to do with confidence.  Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do, no matter what our struggle.

Sometimes criticism can rock confidence, especially if you are a self-proclaimed people pleaser like me.  I was instantly reminded of the quote from Theodore Roosevelt that Brene’ Brown writes about in her book Daring Greatly.  “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; … who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”  Brene’ says, “If you’re not in the arena getting your butt kicked too, I’m not interested in your feedback.” 

The question I sought to answer this week surrounds confidence.  What is it and how do we get more of it?  I feel my level of confidence has grown greatly over the course of this journey but I seek ways to learn more and find opportunities to grow.  If you had more confidence, how would your life change for the better?  I would have less self doubt.  Self doubt creates distance between where you are and your dreams.  I want to feel more present and less like going through the motions to get through each day.  People with high self confidence have a higher success rate of meeting their goals.  I don’t want anything to hold me back on this journey so this week confidence is my focus.

There is a recurring theme with what I discovered in researching confidence and it was a bit surprising.  Self confidence is not a personality trait and has nothing to do if you are an introvert or an extravert.  It’s not fixed; it comes and goes. It’s not about positive thinking or a positive mindset.  Confidence is a sense of power and certainty that you can do something.  The definition of confidence is a feeling of trust in yourself.  It’s a decision to try, it’s a choice.  It’s something you create and it all begins with action.  When God was sprinkling confidence, it isn’t something you missed out on, it’s a state.  It’s not something you have but something you create.  There is no one person who is always confident all the time.  The key is turning it on when you need it. 

How do you turn on self-confidence?

It starts with your physical body.  Motion impacts emotion.  All emotions come from the way you use your physical body.  If you’re not feeling confident you don’t have to mentally pump yourself up with a pep talk.  The quickest way to feel confident is to deliberately move.  When you don’t feel confident, you need to act confident and the feeling will follow.  This is in the way you move, your posture and the way you speak.  If you are competent you can chose confidence. It’s a fake-it-till- you-make-it philosophy.  Act confident physically and you will start to feel it in your mind.  Your state of mind is everything.  Move your body in a confident way and you can put yourself into a state of confidence, no matter what is happening around you.  I could feel a difference in myself when I noticed I was slumped over and I intentionally stood up tall.  I did it several times this past week and it works!  It changed the way I felt.  Stand up tall, hold your head up and speak up.  Choose to act confident even if you don’t feel it yet.  

"If you want to be confident, but don't normally act that way, today, just this once, act in the physical world the way you believe a confident person would."

Wayne Dyer

Confidence is also impacted by what we choose to focus on.  There is a huge difference between what you hope happens versus what you expect to happen.  You build confidence when you expect the results you are after, not when you hope for it.  We create what we focus on so don’t just hope for the results you want.  When you expect it to happen you build confidence but how do we create that level of belief to expect results?  This is impacted by four elements potential, action, results and beliefs.

We all have unlimited potential but many of us often fall short of tapping into our full potential.  Our results are based on the actions we take and the impact of our actions is based on what we believe about ourselves.  If we don’t take enough action, we limit our potential.  The problem is that action alone is not enough.  If we don’t believe in ourselves our actions will be weak and will not yield results.  This can reinforce our own negative beliefs and we find ourselves doing the very least to get by.  Success starts with our beliefs.  The opposite is also true.  If we believe in ourselves we produce strong results.  This leads to a strong belief that we know we can do something more and that taps into greater potential.  We’ll then take a lot more action and the results are even greater.  This creates momentum of strong positive beliefs cycling into greater success driving to a whole new level.  A self- fulfilling prophecy can go both ways.

Confidence also grows when we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone.  I’m very familiar with that feeling like a fake and that others are about to find out I’m a fraud.  I found in my research that this feeling actually has a name and it’s called the imposter syndrome.  The imposter syndrome is feeling like you are faking your way through your accomplishments; feeling afraid someone is going to find you out and believe you don’t deserve or haven’t earned your success.  Only when you commit to trying that you will have breakthroughs in the skill of confidence.  Imposter syndrome is a good thing.  The only way to get rid of those feelings is to try.  You’ll never get rid of those feelings by thinking about it; you’ll only get rid of them by doing something about it.  If you’re not feeling like a fake in some area of your life then you’re not growing.  Embrace it, without it there is no growth.  The next time you do it, it’ll be better.  It’s uncomfortable but worth it.  All progress takes place outside of your comfort zone.

When asked about confidence as it relates to his competitive power lifting, my husband Dan said that his confidence comes from his level of preparedness.  His self-confidence for competing comes from his discipline to prepare.  He said when he walks into the meet, there may be guys stronger than him but he knows no one else is going to be more prepared.  He said it’s easy to spot the guys who go there and try to wing it.  They fail miserably.  It takes a strong discipline to prepare and that’s where people fall short.  He said his performance from training in the gym is a huge confidence builder.  This is what gives him the confidence to go for the stretch goal of lifting a weight that perhaps he’s never achieved prior but has a good shot at because he’s done the work.  He said if you prepare hard enough and do the work you just let your body take over.  I think that applies to a lot more in life than lifting a huge amount of weight!

Confidence Building Exercise #1: Memory Management

Confidence levels grow when we think about our past accomplishments.  We just need to manage our memories better.  Think about those times when you didn’t think you could pull something off but you did.  I was challenged to come up with five of my greatest successes in life.  It needs to be from those times that looked dark and difficult.  Write down these stories and write a paragraph on each.  The purpose is to use these examples to remind yourself that no matter what is going on you have the ability to find a way. 

I encourage you to literally write out a paragraph about each of them.  I was just thinking about them at first but when I sat down, pen in hand, I truly uncovered insights that I didn’t realize.  My mind first automatically went straight to the major failures of my life.  This process revealed that many of my greatest successes were in the recovery of these failures.  The act of writing about these events helped me see that every success came at a price.  Sacrifice and hard work was a major component.  One required I swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness as well as offer it.  The point of this exercise is to show that you deserve to feel confident.  I learned that I am a heck of a lot stronger than I think I am.  It’s clear there are areas of my life I am more confident than other areas but action is where it begins.  It’s a paradigm shift to realize that confidence is a skill I can develop instead of something I’m missing.  We’ve got control over it and we have the ability to grow it.  It’s like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. 

Confidence Building Exercise #2: Picture Power

This week my Mom reminded me of how far I’ve come.  She said it amazes her to see what I’m doing now knowing what I went through as a little girl.  I was so desperately shy and lacking in confidence that I physically would get sick at school.  Every single day they would have to call my Mom to come get me from the nurse’s office.  I still remember the feeling like it was yesterday.  I was petrified that the teacher would call on me.  I remember knowing the answers but the utter fear that I would have to answer aloud in class made me physically ill.  After going to several specialists to figure out what was wrong with my stomach, it was our small hometown doctor that suggested to my Mom that she enroll me in dance class to build my confidence.  The rest is history.  I will forever be grateful to my Mom for helping me find a way out of that darkness. 

I put this picture on my desk at home.  This is me during those times of daily calls to Mom to come get me.  Whenever I feel like I’m lacking self confidence I just look into her eyes and immediately feel compassion when I see her.  I do this when I feel critical, start to worry what other people may think, think I’m not doing enough or that I’m not enough.  I encourage you to do the same.  It’s a game changer.  Anytime I think that way – this is who I’m being mean to.    

Fred Astaire kept a memo over his fireplace from an MGM testing director after his first screen test that said, “Can’t act.  Slightly bald.  Can dance a little.”  Colossians 3:1-4 says, “Who I am in Christ matters more than what I think or what other people tell me about myself.”

 

 

Results for the week:  -1.2 lbs lost; Total Lost: 24.8

D.O.W. = 105 (Days on Wagon)

Starting weight:  182.0; Current weight: 157.2