Saturday Night Singer
Saturday night is date
night at the Wade house. Last Saturday
Dan and I went to a quaint local seafood restaurant in our little town that happened to have live entertainment. A one man band with
an acoustic guitar sang beautiful songs while we dined. It was nice.
We were just finishing our meal when he was done singing for the
evening. There were only a few people at another table so it was like an intimate private concert. We started to talk to the singer while he was
packing up his gear. He ended up sharing
with us that 22 years ago he walked inside our same church where God saved him
from a 26 year cocaine addiction. He’s
now 22 years drug free. It was an
incredible story and testimony.
That night while driving
home, Dan asked, “Why would a stranger share with us something so personal like
this from his past? Why would you air
your dirty laundry in public like that to someone you just met?” We talked about how this proves that
everyone’s got something. You never know
what someone else has gone through, what they are currently going through or
the secrets they may have about their past.
You just never know.
Alcoholics Anonymous has
the saying, “You're only as sick as your secrets." One of the hallmarks of alcoholism is deception so they should know. Addicts deceive others to cover up their
addiction and they deceive themselves to deny they have one. This could explain why people I know in
recovery are rigorously open and honest, like our Saturday night singer. Any habit of deception risks
reopening that door to addiction. I am
convinced food is addictive and that I’m a food addict. Published research shows the addictive nature
of sugar has the same impact on your brain as cocaine. I believe this is true and feel that my
number of “days on the wagon” represents my own type of sobriety. That’s why this week my focus is on the power
of secrets in how it relates to healing and the recovery process.
Secrets are harmful to relationships and health. Little white lies quickly grow into big lies
that betray trust, ruin relationships and drive destructive cycles. This inner turmoil often causes us to
compartmentalize our lives, live in denial and become out of touch with our
true selves. Pulitzer Prize winner
Fredrick Buecher says, “We are our secrets.
When we become our secrets we run the risk of losing our authentic
selves and replacing it with an edited version.” Harboring deep secrets causes chronic stress
and hurts our health. Anita Kelly, a
doctor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, conducted extensive research
on the impact of secrets. Her research
concluded, “Self-concealers do show more stress, anxiety and depression as well
as overall body aches and pains.
Secretive people tend to be sick people.”
I don’t believe in order
to live a truly authentic life you have to share all secrets but I do believe
that concealing some truths is like swallowing a slow acting poison. Your insides gradually rot. Secrets we need
to let out are the ones that cause us to act in a way that causes us harm…like
grazing through the kitchen, never feeling full becoming obese. We all have secrets, some are frivolous but
some are much deeper than that. Some of
us have secrets that have stigma, guilt and shame attached to them that we bury
deep inside. Based on statistics there
are readers of this blog, right now, who have dealt with depression, addiction,
suicidal thoughts or some type of abuse.
We bury these secrets so deep inside that sometimes we forget we have
them. But they show up in other ways
like dysfunctional relationships or addictions to numb the pain.
It wasn’t a secret I was
overweight when I launched this blog. That
was clearly visible from the outside but our secrets live on the inside. I kept it a secret for years how I felt about
myself and my weight while eating in secret feeling ashamed. Launching this blog was a healing secret
reveal for me. I immediately felt
lighter by sharing my issues with food and how I felt about myself. Secrets make us feel alone. Now I can talk openly about my struggles and
it feels good. I talk about what is
wrong instead of shoving the problem down with food. Dan recently made a comment that he feels
we’re even closer in sharing this journey together. I don’t feel like I’m pretending
anymore. The mask is removed. I’m not perfect. I have flaws.
I have struggles. But most of
all, I am not alone. The truth shall set
us free. Secrets hold power but
releasing them is taking back our power.
Twenty eight years ago I
hid a secret. It caused me to become depressed and hurt relationships around
me. I experienced a date rape
situation in my early 20's. I don’t write this now as a
big “I’ve got a secret” reveal but to share that I kept it a secret from
everybody at that time out of guilt and shame.
I suffered from depression because of it and just couldn’t get my life
together during the phase I now refer to as my “train wreck years.” I eventually reached out for help. Sharing my secret and getting the help I needed was one of the single most important turning
points in my life. The healing process
from this gave me a true relationship with God and that changed everything! I am who I am today because of it and that’s
why I never will say I am a victim of what happened. I am a victor.
I believe there are three truths in revealing secrets.
1. Courage:
It takes courage to be vulnerable, to be
naked in telling your secret. It’s hard
but every time you share it you feel lighter and freer.
2. Perception:
You have to look at things differently. What happened to you happened to you. What you did you did. You won’t be able to remove it somehow and
magically clean the slate. The hardest things we go through can become our
greatest teacher. I’ve learned that
people can look really put together on the outside and not be so put together
on the inside. Everyone has a story, everyone has a secret.
3. Healing:
When we share ourselves, when we share our
secret, we heal ourselves and we heal other people. You are able to move forward in a new way. When you get to a place that you can learn from it, you heal from it and it
becomes a beautiful thing.
I pray for our Saturday night singer and for all readers who right now may have a secret they
are hiding. I pray that this may help you share what you need to share with a
trusted friend or family member. The
desire to heal has to be greater than your fear. Be a voice, not a victim. There are two kinds of secrets, those
we keep from others and those we hide from ourselves. Rick Warren says, “Hiding your hurt only
intensifies it. Problems grow in the
dark and become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of truth, they
shrink. You are only as sick as your
secrets. So take off your mask, stop
pretending you’re perfect, and walk into freedom.”
Comments
Blessings, dear Sandy