After the After
"Once in our world, a stable had something in it that was
bigger than our whole world.”
C.S. Lewis
I
promised to always keep it real and to be brutally honest on this journey so I
have a confession to make. The purpose of this blog is to deal with all issues that make me want to eat and most are emotional, so here it goes. I saw Santa
and it made me cry. Call it that time of
the month, or that time of the year, but it happened. Was it because I was tired, cold and hungry while
driving home from the gym that night? Perhaps,
or maybe it was something more. Mr. and
Mrs. Santa Claus were riding through our neighborhood on top of a fire
truck. It was a spectacle to see, lights
flashing, sirens blaring and Christmas music playing. I pulled my car over until they passed and
they both waved down at me as the music and lights rolled by. That’s when it happened. A burst of vivid memories from past Christmas
moments flooded my heart and rolled down my cheek. I miss magical Christmas mornings. I miss Christmas Eve at Grandma’s house. I miss sitting in the back seat on the way
home thinking red lights from every airplane may be Rudolph’s nose. I miss my Dad.
“Christmas is a
season not of only rejoicing but of reflection.”
~ Winston Churchill
This
week the question I seek to answer is how do you find the Christmas spirit when
you’re feeling a little blue? I sit and
ponder my question for quite some time and pray. God – show me; guide me. Help me see what I need to see. Help me find the answers my heart needs to feel.
A few moments later God told me to read the little book I wrote for my family a few months after Dad passed away. Ironically, I gave each of them this little book for Christmas last year which was our first Christmas without Dad. It’s been well over a year since I looked at this book; I haven’t read these words in a very long time. The book contains bits and pieces of my journal from the weeks leading up to Dad’s death. The miracles and special moments were so powerfully incredible that I was compelled to document it for my nieces and nephews because I wanted them to know, Jesus is real. Jesus is really real. The book is how my Dad showed this to us in his life and death.
A few moments later God told me to read the little book I wrote for my family a few months after Dad passed away. Ironically, I gave each of them this little book for Christmas last year which was our first Christmas without Dad. It’s been well over a year since I looked at this book; I haven’t read these words in a very long time. The book contains bits and pieces of my journal from the weeks leading up to Dad’s death. The miracles and special moments were so powerfully incredible that I was compelled to document it for my nieces and nephews because I wanted them to know, Jesus is real. Jesus is really real. The book is how my Dad showed this to us in his life and death.
Reading
these words again I forgot how powerful the whole experience was. Reading these words again didn’t bring sorrow or
pain to me but feelings of love and hope.
Reading these words again helped me remember the beauty that surrounded that
painful experience. Reading these words
again made me think of Christmas in a completely different way. I want to share just a few pieces of this book
with you. Perhaps if you are feeling a little blue this Christmas because
of the loss of a loved one, maybe these words will help you find your Christmas
spirit like it did for me.
When
someone you love becomes a memory… those memories becomes a treasure.
Jerry
F. Musser
January 30, 1944 – June 14, 2016
January 30, 1944 – June 14, 2016
Losing
my Dad was the most painful experience of my life so far, but I’m sure it’s
like that for everyone. Hospice told us
when you love hard it hurts hard and I guess that’s not such a bad thing. It’s changed me and I know my life will never
be the same, but not just because he’s gone.
The experience was incredibly beautiful and filled with many blessings
and miracles that I will hold in my heart forever. It was both painful and beautiful
simultaneously. I wanted to share my
journaled memories about this so we never forget God’s presence in this. Jesus is for real and He showed himself to
all of us. The simple fact we had Dad here with us for the last 7 to 8 years is a miracle anyway, for he outfought, outsmarted and outlived the statistics of stage IV colon cancer diagnosis from the very beginning. He also received so many miracles along the way from many close calls because of the treatment. He fought for each additional year of life; he fought hard. I think knowing this led to many special moments and many times that we appreciated those memories so much greater. What a great life lesson right there.
I feel blessed to have been able to be with Dad every day for three weeks before he passed. I was able to witness the outpouring of love from neighbors, friends and family throughout that entire time, which was amazing and overwhelming. The power of love truly showed the depth of my Dad's character, which was not a surprise.
Dad was a good man, a strong Christian man. That's how he lived his life every single day. Love is what it's all about. Love - always love.
Death isn’t something you ever get over. I think the grief and healing process is different for every single person and experience. I can’t imagine the pain and sadness Mom feels after spending practically your entire life with the love of your life. Throughout Dad’s cancer journey I often wondered what it would be like after the hope is gone, after the treatments no longer worked, after he died. The truth is the pain of missing him is greater than I thought it would be. The reality of not seeing him here on earth any longer is no longer a futuristic what if fleeting thought, but an actual here, and now reality. So, here we are in the after of the after he is gone trying to figure it all out.
What
I’m learning is that his physical body died but his spirit, his soul, his
energy is still very much with us. It’s
so very real and it’s not just a nice to think about thought but a true
reality. The miracle in the beauty of
his death is just as real as the miracle and the beauty of his being around us
in the after. I know there have been
times that I’ve been thinking of him, feeling that familiar lump in the throat
start to make my eyes swell with tears and I’ll see a dragonfly, or a butterfly,
or a Cardinal at the exact same time.
Those are signs and they are real.
One night I was upset about something and couldn’t sleep. Dad appeared to me in a dream and we were
riding bikes together. He was telling me
it was all going to be okay and he rode off.
That was real; that was Dad.
Here
we are in the after – of the after – the time that you know this physical life on earth doesn’t last
forever and we all have to move on.
There is a huge comfort in knowing that although Dad isn’t physically here,
he is still very much here. Often I’ve
heard that the love you have for a person is what helps to keep their spirit
alive with you. I’m currently reading a
book about heaven and what heaven is really like. It's based off of what Bible scriptures say
about heaven. Seriously, if just half of
what this book says is real, Dad is in an amazing place and he is saving a place
for us.
After
I explained to Gavin (4 years old) that Grandpa is in our hearts now, Gavin explained to me
that every time he puts his hand on his heart, and feels the beating of his
heart, he’ll know that it is Grandpa and the Angels watching over him. We all know Gavin is smarter than all of us
so I believe him.
The
most powerful moment of the entire journey of Dad’s death is a moment that I
will remember for the rest of my days.
The most incredible miracle and blessing through this entire process is
the final moment that Dad took his last breath.
His wife was by his side holding his hand, all of his daughters and
son-in-laws surrounding his bed, as we were playing music. Dad was in his own home, in his own bed. He had labored breathing for hours that night
and we were up all night long. His last
breath was at 5:30AM on June 14, 2016.
That exact time this beautiful song was playing on my phone. I started to play music because Dad had some
heart failure thing happen where your lunges fill with fluid and the sound of
his labored breathing was too painful to hear.
So we played God music. But at
the EXACT moment in time Dad took his last breath, this beautiful song was
playing and this is what they were singing at his final and very last breath
here on earth:
And
with your final heartbeat;
Kiss
the world goodbye.
Then
go in peace, and laugh on
Glory’s
side.
And
fly to Jesus – Fly to Jesus…
Fly
to Jesus and Live.
Fly
to Jesus
Fly
to Jesus
Fly
to Jesus and Live.
Reading this book again made me realize that Christmas is why my Dad is able to be in heaven with God. Reading this book again reminded me that Dad is still alive and it's because of Christmas. Reading this book again showed me the real spirit of Christmas; I never thought about it this way before.
Thank you, Jesus. And Happy Birthday!
For God so loved the world that he gave his
one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have
eternal life.
John 3:16
John 3:16
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