Unfiltered

I was 16 years old when “Sandy’s Dance Studio” opened for business and it was a dream come true.  That’s all I ever wanted to do from the time I was old enough to twirl around in Mrs. Day’s piano in her kindergarten classroom.  There was nothing in this world I loved more than dance.  Soon almost every kid in town enrolled, to the tune of 250 students, and we had a blast.  The problem with only being 16, and having that kind of responsibility, was that I lived every single day in utter fear that soon people would see through the mascaraed realizing I was pretending and not really good enough.  The 51 year old me wishes I could go back and tell that 16 year old what a great accomplishment it was and I was pretty bad ass for doing that at such a young age.  Unfortunately those feelings of secretly being a fraud sometimes still pops its ugly head to this day, like this week when preparing to write. 

The process to prepare my weekly blog is the same.  I ponder; I panic; I pray!  This week I skipped past pondering, hurdled over panic and went straight to prayer.  What do you want me to write about, God?  What is it I need to work on this week?  The words placed on my heart were complete honesty, truth and stay openly authentic.  I then clearly heard the words, “If you want to heal, keep it real!”  There’s no question this week, just a very clear statement.  God is guiding me to shine a light in all the dark places so I learn and grow on this journey.  Just like that very first blog post, it’s not easy.

Ask any number of the 1.9 billion Facebook users in the world today and they will tell you that we live in a world that everything is viewed through a filter.  What is authentic these days?  We are a selfie generation finding just the right lighting and camera angle to show us in our most perfect way.  Cell phone cameras are equipped with a variety of filters to enhance all lighting, hair and wrinkle situations.  Are you kidding me?  I am so guilty of this with my waist up only, properly cropped photos and posing tricks trying to elongate the neck.  Filtered pictures of the perfect vacations, perfect meals, perfect family moments and perfect happy lives flow abundantly on our Facebook feeds.  I’m not going to post a picture of my messy haired makeup free self, sitting in my old flannel pajamas slumped over the computer with complete writer’s block captioned, “Today I didn’t feel good enough.  I don’t know what to say.”  That’s not how Facebook works but this blog is no Facebook.

Realizing the root of my self-doubt helps me to push past it.  I realize now ignoring these feelings empowers the feeling and weakens me while increasing my waist.  How often have I ignored these feelings and stuffed it down with food?  Guessing by what my scale used to say, it’s safe to answer quite often.  I have the power to choose to think differently.  Recently I saw the quote, “Don’t believe everything you think.”  Why is it that we give so much power to the negative thoughts?  Our minds can be very convincing liars.

Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote “Eat, Pray, Love,” said that no matter how charmed her life looks, every day she falls short of what she had hoped to accomplish.  She consciously stops her brain from beating herself up for her shortcomings.  She said, “Let go of the knife you are holding at your throat, the knife of shame, blame, fear and remorse.”  She went on to say, “Be kind to yourself, especially now.  You must give yourself unconditional self-friendship.”  Will we ever be able to stop comparing ourselves with others feeling we are falling short in some way?  Probably not, but we can catch ourselves in the process and make the deliberate choice of thinking differently or shift our focus so we feel differently.  If someone like Elizabeth Gilbert struggles in this area, clearly I am not alone.

Let’s keep it real.  This week I almost allowed negative thoughts take control.  What makes me think I have the answers to this journey?  What will people think?  “Don’t you think she’s taking this thing a bit too far?”  Maybe I am taking this too far but major change calls for massive action!  I want to break free from the ongoing yo-yo weight struggle once and for all.  There’s a part of me that will always care what people think, even if I consciously tell myself it doesn’t matter.  I am making the deliberate choice to think differently. I shift my focus to these changes because the truth is things are changing and it's not just the number on the scale.  

I wake up with energy.  I no longer stand in the closet each morning depressed with a feeling of dread wondering what isn’t too tight.  Where am I on the fat clothes rotation cycle?  I have fewer headaches each day.  I have more energy throughout the day and I’m sleeping better at night.  I am actually starting to enjoy my workouts, not just when they are over.  I catch myself singing along to the radio more often.  I am happier.  I am at peace with where I am now; knowing I am on a journey.  I’m starting to think about dreams and goals in other areas of my life that I let slide for years and years.  Life is different.  I am different. 

Maybe the 16 year old me is telling the 51 year old me that getting real in a pubic blog for the world to see takes courage and is pretty bad ass… 

 Results for the week: -1.4 lbs lost; Total Lost = 18.6